Caro Project,
are a gay boy of 24 years but only if this is not really a problem. Even though I was particularly painful to talk about certain things I will try to make you understand what I went through the same. As a child I have been sexually abused by an uncle, started from what I remember around age eight and went on for about five years. I began to realize soon enough that it was about sexual matters, but it went ahead anyway. I was not afraid, it seemed all a game, but I knew it was not a game, it was as if my uncle was in need of those things. It has never been violent with me, sometimes he even asked me to do those things, I saw that he was embarrassed and I was starting. For me before the beginning they were just mechanical things, then things have become even that had a sexual significance. My did not bother me at all and I was all the time with my uncle, I never hated him for what he has done, I think that especially when I was big, he was also something a bit 'painful, maybe he was afraid that I could tell but I would never have done. It began as I told you, then when I was 14, my uncle died in a car accident, was still young, had not yet 35 years old. When they told me I was a rock for the thing itself that because I had done those things with someone who was now dead, I remembered everything about him and think he was dead and that I remember so distinctly made me feel awful , but then again I do not hate, or rather fly to pity. I do not know what life has done when he was a boy but I do not think it was a great life. What has happened with I think my uncle has profoundly influenced my sexuality, now I just fell in love with men much older than me. I do not know if I would be gay if I had lived normal adolescence, perhaps yes, but I would love other guys and not of great men. I do not want to blame anyone, let alone one that no longer exists and that I was never able to hate. After the death of my uncle, I spent a couple of years of depression for reasons that I said I've lost a year in school and I started to disband altogether. Sex with peers not appealed to me at all, then I started thinking that what had happened to me was just an act of violence and that I would take the weight for a lifetime. A 19 year I met a 50 years old and I'm loving it, was a person like you should but did not want to know, maybe he was afraid of being blackmailed when he realized that would not happen has stopped running away and created a minimum of relationship, I also wanted him sexually but he never wanted to know. We felt every now and then we went out sometimes but rarely a walk and talk a bit 'with him I had the courage to talk about my uncle and for me it was very important. He treated me with respect and felt that she loved me. It went on for three years, in practice the three best years of my life, I felt accepted, respected for what it was, in the end I also said I had in love with him, he was glad that I loved him but thought that the story of my uncle had put up a lot but I would still managed to fall in love with a boy of my age. A year and a half ago has not done more to hear, I was desperate, I did not know what had happened, I knew where he lived and went to his house looking for him but he died of a heart attack. I felt a strong pain, as if I had a family member died. Now there are more than 15 months and I am a vegetable, I have not finished my studies, I can not react, I do not think I could fall in love with anyone else, sometimes I have not the will to live. Even in the gay world I feel totally out of place, my me and know nothing of most are alone, completely alone. What can I expect? Maybe falling in love really is a boy or maybe find an older man as the one I lost? I think neither of these things. I have no dialogue with my own that I could not even understand. I knew a guy who I think really takes me there but I'm not in love with him and above all I have not the courage to tell my story because if they run away. I'll try to go back to school and thinking to find a job soon, so maybe I can not think. I wrote the blog because you treated them with respect to some things similar to what I experienced and I think the same respect you feel for me. If you want to publish well my mail.
__________
If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post is open to the Gay Forum Project:
0 comments:
Post a Comment