Caro Project,
since I found the project I'm gay less strange and less lonely. I am 21 years old, tell me I'm a nice guy, it seems to me rather be one as there are many, some are at least three or four years that the girls ran after me, has happened, especially the last three years at the university and what a pleasure to me but the other I made it more difficult As a child I liked the girls, the first patterns I made in elementary school on one of my classmate, and then I happened to think of things that I have created some 'problems. At 13 I went to sea in the summer with my parents. We were in Sicily, in a very beautiful and very wild, where there was nothing but the sea and the Mediterranean almost as far as the eye can see, there has formed a group of boys 13/14 years, con loro stavo bene, erano figli di amici di famiglia e i miei mi lasciavano molto libero. Stavamo molto insieme e si finiva spesso a parlare di sesso, naturalmente come se ne parla a quell’età. C’era una ragazzo che aveva solo un anno più di me ma sembrava molto più grande, era alto, biondo, mi piaceva molto, perché io all’epoca ero ancora grassottello e piuttosto basso per la mia età, chiamiamolo Stefano, era molto schivo e con me andava particolarmente d’accordo, certe volte ce ne andavamo al mare insieme su un canotto gonfiabile. Lui nuotava benissimo, io un po’ meno. Ho cominciato ad avere la fissa di vedere Stefano nudo, quando stava con me e parlavamo di ragazze si vedeva che aveva l’erezione, io avrei voluto toccarlo ma volevo che fosse una cosa accettata da lui. Allora gli ho detto che lui ormai era un adulto e che ce l’aveva grosso e che si vedeva, è diventato rosso come un peperone ma era contento di sentire queste cose. Ho cercato di insistere in tutti i modi e di provocarlo, alla fine gli ho chiesto di farmelo vedere, lui si schermiva ma si vedeva che la cosa lo tentava parecchio, io l’ho proprio assillato finché un giorno quando eravamo solo noi nella macchia non ha detto di sì. Quando si è abbassato il costume mi sono sentito proprio eccitatissimo, ero riuscito a portare Stefano dove volevo e potevo vederlo così, me lo ha fatto anche toccare e qualche giorno dopo became even do a saw but never wanted him to do something to me, I think it does not really interest him and that he had the sense that I had reduced a little 'to do the sex slave forcing him to what he wanted. It was actually the opposite, but I wanted to make him believe what he wanted. But life is very short, no more than a week because then everything went back to Milan with my own. He remained in Sicily because it was there. We felt sometimes on msn, with no reference to what had happened between us. I saw Stephen two years ago, the girl and says things fabulous, we talked a lot, I told him and the girl and how he feels happy with her, I shall have told a story similar to what he told me, almost entirely invented, at least for the satisfaction of being with my girlfriend. Things that happened years before in Sicily even the shadow. I think that for him were really things of no weight for me was not so, I began to masturbate thinking of Stephen and has become a fixed one, I was living the good, the word gay is not even touched me, at least up to 16 years, Then, a bit 'in the wake of his family and a bit' in the wake of the friends I came to girls also, one in particular, call Laura at the beginning it was all just platonic, but when I was vicino a Laura avevo l’erezione e mi imbarazzava molto e qualche volta mi si bagnava pure, ho cominciato a masturbarmi anche pensando a Laura, pensavo che Stefano me lo sarei dimenticato del tutto ma non è stato così. Quando avevo 19 anni la situazione è diventata tale che con Laura siamo arrivati ad avere veri rapporti sessuali, da parte mia le cose funzionavano, mi eccitava, avevo l’erezione e arrivavo anche alla fine, però vedere Laura nuda non mi dava quella sferzata di sessualità che mi sarei aspettato, quando avevo visto Stefano nudo il coinvolgimento era stato totale. Ho pensato che fosse solo dovuto al fatto che era la prima volta e che con Laura le cose sarebbero andate meglio. In sostanza il rapporto che avevo con Laura was also satisfactory, and also wanted to see her have sex with her but then, at the time, the enthusiasm that I expected was not there but my sexuality was a real straight. When I masturbate I did not think Laura, sometimes I thought of Stephen, but I did not want to think, I tried to do it without thinking about anyone, so, as only a physical thing. Laura did not want me to masturbate myself, said I wanted everything for her, but she gave it absolutely for granted that I masturbate thinking only of her. I have the courage to tell her that it was not like I have not had and I ended up not tell her that I masturbate more but I only have sex with her. It was the first lie between us. I had not even told the story of Stephen in Sicily, but it was a lie, so I saw her, I had not said one thing for another, I had not simply told a story that now seemed far away even though it was just in my mind memory. Twenty years after I met a boy, call Mark, inter alia, a friend of Laura, which I'm terribly embarrassed, he plays soccer and has brought me in his team. I agreed then and there but I found myself in situations of tremendous embarrassment in the locker room, in practice I went once, then I invented a tendonitis and did not go anymore. Mark called me many times and there are serious problems that began with Marco has created an important relationship and by the way Mark is a nice guy and I like it, but not enough, in early November of this year I've seen a lot of tone down and tried to understand why, at the Finally, after several days of hesitation, he told me that he was gay but had never told anyone and that he thought that he loves me. Tile for me in the head! I talked a lot with him but always through heterosexual (I'm a coward for that) and he has no doubt about this because he knows me and Laura tells him that everything, absolutely everything to us, which to me is not liked at all, among other things, she does not know that Mark is gay. Basically now I'm confident the hetero Mark mistress straight to Laura, I do not think that I could find in a more messy. Knowing Mark, for me, it was just to go into crisis, when I'm with him I will kiss and hug close to one hour for him to spend his melancholy which devours, I think it would be happiness for them both, but how can I do such a thing? Laura expects that sooner or later we married and I continue to have a sex life with her but has become a kind of obligation from which I can not break free and yet I see that when Marco goes out with me feels like an intruder , a hetero tolerated by a friend who does not want to leave in the lurch. The real trouble is that Mark says Laura in everything we say and she is keen that we visited and did not even go to the hall of the brain that something could happen. Here project, these are the mess of my life but I do not want to miss Mark's at the cost of life in disgraced before the whole city. But believe me it is really difficult to take a step back without me around because there would be an earthquake in my house no one expects such a thing. I mean I do not know where to find the courage but I have to find, the more I go back and worse.
await your response. Hello. (If you want, publish this letter as well)
__________
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