This post is dedicated to the role that sexuality plays in conditioning the relationship between gay guys. The speech will be divided into two parts by examining two different situations:
1) An attempt to implement an abstract model of gay couples
2) A search for balance without preliminary assumptions of model couples
An attempt to implement an abstract model of gay couples
According to the common view, a gay guy can make the most of his sexuality in a relationship when that relationship starts from a strong and mutual sexual attraction. On this basis we assume that it is easier to build a stable emotional relationship, in a sense the emotional needs appear here subordinated to the sexual needs. To be more specific speeches by more immediate, placed here a piece of mail of a 26 year old boy, I'll call Andrea.
"I think that if one makes affect life at the end does not conclude anything and that no decision is worse than ever and I err on the other hand I did not want and I will not stand by and watch the train go by. Project, unless one works hard, since you can not complain. I do things that are half-half whitewash in a tug of war that ended more than I did not want to know more. If you want to be ok, otherwise each in his own way. Well I see it the first time, I was taking a cuddly, so sexy that one so I had never seen. Guys, the rest just dazed. We met quite by chance, I avevo frequentato chat e pure locali, ma lui l’ho conosciuto per caso a una cena di lavoro dell’impresa dove lavoro io. Stava con una ragazza ma non se la filava proprio e allora ho deciso di giocare il tutto per tutto e gli ho detto: “Sei bellissimo!” Mi ha sorriso e mi ha detto: “Pure tu!”. Oh, io non sono mica male, anzi, prima le ragazze non mi mollavano mai (le mollavo sempre io!) ma adesso che qualcuno sa di me trovo pure i ragazzi che mi fanno la corte, ma certi, poveretti, non per vantarmi, ma non mi ci metterei mai. Insomma, lui mi sorride. Ci appartiamo un po’, sai come vanno queste cose, vedi che lui ci sta e ti fai coraggio, ci siamo toccati un po’ (nel senso intimo) and he was all right. I'm just exploded. Then I was single and had never been with a boy, he had made his experiences, but at the end of me I do not give a damn. Well the fact is that I went to him that night and it happened all that could happen, so I was the party that I had not even thought about condoms but he had them. What made me think that it was not a risk that would begin to ease. So, after 15 days I went to live at home. In practice it was just a dream, a boy, or "that guy" all for me. I had a tremendous fear that he might betray me, you could get tired of me but did not seem right. Er a bit 'bigger than me (31 years) and had an enviable position in the company but that he could have anything he wanted he was with me. In short, it's okay for a couple of months, then I start to understand that there is something wrong. Do not want more sex with me. I feel desperate, I beg him but none of it, tells me that he met a girl but I do not want to talk. Him with a girl? It seems to me absurd. One afternoon I said that the company must go out and but the company did not go there. I did not know where he went and did not even know now, but had begun to tell lies and keep me out of her life. Had sex every night, at least initially, at the beginning because I had not said anything, then I asked him how they were things and was very angry, told me that was not the tallow or anybody and that if I was okay I could go well. I did not want to leave, I felt that my dream fell to pieces and do not even understand why. I was at home almost as a challenge. He's face did not throw me out but had started to behave as if I was not there. He came home with his friends who were holding up late at night and I gnawing a lot, then I did not and I most solemnly sent to that country and I left his house. After three weeks I ended up in hospital for a bad accident and he did not even deign to visit me. Nothing! And I was in the hospital knew fine. Here this is a bit 'summary of the story. It's much better to be alone than with someone like that, but I understood it at the end. "
A search for balance without preliminary assumptions of model couples
Too often we take as a model of a relationship between children a gay relationship in which sexuality is a further development, as well as the remote cause on both sides, ie it is assumed that two gay guys are brought to stand together to meet a primary affective-sexual, once verified affective conditions that ensure the reliability, fully realizes the desire of couples of the two. This model, when attractive, in many cases is in fact not applicable because the reasons that push two guys to be together can also be significantly different from a mutual sexual interest, that may arise under the guise of a sex drive and be substance of the requirements of general affective. The affective-sex education for gay men leads them to emphasize the purely sexual as a root cause, if not all of their relationship, in other words, the emphasis is mainly on the sexual dimension and not that affective. The consequence of this trend is a sexualization of affect.
reproduce below an excerpt from an email of a 23 year old boy (I will call later Lorenzo), which clarifies the concept:
"I loved him, that I was fine with him, I was glad when it was, when c 'I felt it was the lack of strong, waiting for his calls to the phone or on msn, I liked when he came to me and we talked a lot, and he took off his shoes and lay on my bed with me and I felt free with him I know that if I needed him he'd do anything for me, it's a nice guy but not my type, some sexual thoughts about him we did it well, after all why not, but not only has never been a but we say that setting up his fantasies of that kind a few while I was there I happened to some other guy maybe more than impossible that I could never have, but it intrigues me the most. I loved him but I do not really feel transported to him sexually. "
The situation is described here (the ratio between the two boys), from the standpoint of the author of the email has a primary matrix of feeling and not typically sex, is, in other words, the typical situation that predisposes to a strong friendship gay. The boy's point of view is summarized as the author of the email:
"For him it's different, it is practically always been different from the beginning, has just the typical way of doing Innamorata for me has so much attention, much respects me, beware of my temper, I cuddle a lot, hugs, kisses, being in physical contact with me, But I see that he slows down, that I understand, you use the brakes because he would take us just to go over but it only does when he thinks that I should want it (maybe not), the rest do not even try, it tells me that I dream, I'm his type, we can not see that when you masturbate thinking about me, who takes my photo below, I feel that is very busy. I'm fine with him also to have sex but it is a different thing to me is fine as a form of affection, he slows down a bit, but I 'I let him decide and try to follow as I can, as I am, but the asymmetry and feel sorry because maybe you could deserve someone better than me. We have been together for more than two years but we can not live, I do not know if it would be better. I love him, do not betray you, I will feel bad I have done all the checks for HIV and it is all right but not only that why do not betray, but that is no one like him they deserve their own. In recent months I have seen so many guys who physically more than I like him but I think it would be better with them than with him, which eventually attract me from the point the sexual and just, while he's different. Certainly not an overwhelming love can feel it is something else, something important, very important for me, but it is another thing. "
The role of sexuality in these relationships is a function of collateral in the sense which guarantees the exclusivity of their loving relationship as a joint report also sexual. This exclusivity is grafted from one part of a relationship almost double expectations and other attempts to more bland, to safeguard their autonomy.
"There is a further problem, he works and I do not, in my opinion is beginning to make plans on the idea of \u200b\u200bbuying a small apartment. Did not mention it explicitly, but I understood some slightest hint that seeks opportunities in the magazines of real estate agencies. When we pass next to a real estate agent will stop and take a look first and did not. I think I do not speak because he is afraid that I may see it as a trap and a little 'is so not because I do not want to be with him but because we would like to be on an equal footing, I would be well in an apartment rent paid at 50%, but living in a home, with all expenses paid by him alone, makes me uneasy. I must be free to leave if by chance with him, I am not well and in that case I would feel bound to say that I could never tell my parents that I'm going to live with him. Honestly I think it might work because living together is not about sex but also of many other things, I do not give up easily, as I have not dropped in the past two years and maybe could go on for many years, but should be together because there is really good, and I now I'm good, and not by force or because I do not have a place where to live. "
In these situations, sexuality ends up acquiring a floor plan size recessive the need not to turn it into routine leads to scatter the occasion and make the sex drive in a form of mutual sexual affection can be more easily shared. These reports have an apparent weakness, but tend to grow stronger over time and become a source of substantially resistant even to situations that could undermine the beginning.
"about three months ago I met through my ex, a guy who is very nice and I really like, let's call him Paul. I can not deny that it has put me in a crisis and not a little. I think Paul is in love with me even though I have not expressed any enthusiasm. The first few times I did not discuss with my boyfriend, I was ashamed a lot, then I told him everything and there I understood the value of my boyfriend, we talked so much and so seriously, even though it was evident that there was no harm in any way tried to get me to weigh his presence and almost tried to put me at ease saying that I feel free because I will love it anyway. Frankly, I understood very well that he was ill and that he stay away from me was a heavy sacrifice, and there I realized how far he likes me. Meanwhile, Paul has just proven to me, I had the temptation but I would just like to give a stab to my boyfriend and I gave up the speeches of Paul. Frankly I had no regret even at the time, then I got back from my boyfriend and I told him I loved him. We made love and was a beautiful thing. Making love with a guy you really want something good is indescribable, is not even a question of sex, think above all to him, to let him know that you love him, to make them understand even through sex and feel that he is happy and then you feel happy too. "
A report like the one described in the email quoted above does not start from a push highly sexual but gradually comes to the conquest of a different affective sexuality, which has the appearance of uncertainty and the robustness of the things we understand from experience the real significance. It is basically to build gradually a sense of a relationship.
1) An attempt to implement an abstract model of gay couples
2) A search for balance without preliminary assumptions of model couples
An attempt to implement an abstract model of gay couples
According to the common view, a gay guy can make the most of his sexuality in a relationship when that relationship starts from a strong and mutual sexual attraction. On this basis we assume that it is easier to build a stable emotional relationship, in a sense the emotional needs appear here subordinated to the sexual needs. To be more specific speeches by more immediate, placed here a piece of mail of a 26 year old boy, I'll call Andrea.
"I think that if one makes affect life at the end does not conclude anything and that no decision is worse than ever and I err on the other hand I did not want and I will not stand by and watch the train go by. Project, unless one works hard, since you can not complain. I do things that are half-half whitewash in a tug of war that ended more than I did not want to know more. If you want to be ok, otherwise each in his own way. Well I see it the first time, I was taking a cuddly, so sexy that one so I had never seen. Guys, the rest just dazed. We met quite by chance, I avevo frequentato chat e pure locali, ma lui l’ho conosciuto per caso a una cena di lavoro dell’impresa dove lavoro io. Stava con una ragazza ma non se la filava proprio e allora ho deciso di giocare il tutto per tutto e gli ho detto: “Sei bellissimo!” Mi ha sorriso e mi ha detto: “Pure tu!”. Oh, io non sono mica male, anzi, prima le ragazze non mi mollavano mai (le mollavo sempre io!) ma adesso che qualcuno sa di me trovo pure i ragazzi che mi fanno la corte, ma certi, poveretti, non per vantarmi, ma non mi ci metterei mai. Insomma, lui mi sorride. Ci appartiamo un po’, sai come vanno queste cose, vedi che lui ci sta e ti fai coraggio, ci siamo toccati un po’ (nel senso intimo) and he was all right. I'm just exploded. Then I was single and had never been with a boy, he had made his experiences, but at the end of me I do not give a damn. Well the fact is that I went to him that night and it happened all that could happen, so I was the party that I had not even thought about condoms but he had them. What made me think that it was not a risk that would begin to ease. So, after 15 days I went to live at home. In practice it was just a dream, a boy, or "that guy" all for me. I had a tremendous fear that he might betray me, you could get tired of me but did not seem right. Er a bit 'bigger than me (31 years) and had an enviable position in the company but that he could have anything he wanted he was with me. In short, it's okay for a couple of months, then I start to understand that there is something wrong. Do not want more sex with me. I feel desperate, I beg him but none of it, tells me that he met a girl but I do not want to talk. Him with a girl? It seems to me absurd. One afternoon I said that the company must go out and but the company did not go there. I did not know where he went and did not even know now, but had begun to tell lies and keep me out of her life. Had sex every night, at least initially, at the beginning because I had not said anything, then I asked him how they were things and was very angry, told me that was not the tallow or anybody and that if I was okay I could go well. I did not want to leave, I felt that my dream fell to pieces and do not even understand why. I was at home almost as a challenge. He's face did not throw me out but had started to behave as if I was not there. He came home with his friends who were holding up late at night and I gnawing a lot, then I did not and I most solemnly sent to that country and I left his house. After three weeks I ended up in hospital for a bad accident and he did not even deign to visit me. Nothing! And I was in the hospital knew fine. Here this is a bit 'summary of the story. It's much better to be alone than with someone like that, but I understood it at the end. "
A search for balance without preliminary assumptions of model couples
Too often we take as a model of a relationship between children a gay relationship in which sexuality is a further development, as well as the remote cause on both sides, ie it is assumed that two gay guys are brought to stand together to meet a primary affective-sexual, once verified affective conditions that ensure the reliability, fully realizes the desire of couples of the two. This model, when attractive, in many cases is in fact not applicable because the reasons that push two guys to be together can also be significantly different from a mutual sexual interest, that may arise under the guise of a sex drive and be substance of the requirements of general affective. The affective-sex education for gay men leads them to emphasize the purely sexual as a root cause, if not all of their relationship, in other words, the emphasis is mainly on the sexual dimension and not that affective. The consequence of this trend is a sexualization of affect.
reproduce below an excerpt from an email of a 23 year old boy (I will call later Lorenzo), which clarifies the concept:
"I loved him, that I was fine with him, I was glad when it was, when c 'I felt it was the lack of strong, waiting for his calls to the phone or on msn, I liked when he came to me and we talked a lot, and he took off his shoes and lay on my bed with me and I felt free with him I know that if I needed him he'd do anything for me, it's a nice guy but not my type, some sexual thoughts about him we did it well, after all why not, but not only has never been a but we say that setting up his fantasies of that kind a few while I was there I happened to some other guy maybe more than impossible that I could never have, but it intrigues me the most. I loved him but I do not really feel transported to him sexually. "
The situation is described here (the ratio between the two boys), from the standpoint of the author of the email has a primary matrix of feeling and not typically sex, is, in other words, the typical situation that predisposes to a strong friendship gay. The boy's point of view is summarized as the author of the email:
"For him it's different, it is practically always been different from the beginning, has just the typical way of doing Innamorata for me has so much attention, much respects me, beware of my temper, I cuddle a lot, hugs, kisses, being in physical contact with me, But I see that he slows down, that I understand, you use the brakes because he would take us just to go over but it only does when he thinks that I should want it (maybe not), the rest do not even try, it tells me that I dream, I'm his type, we can not see that when you masturbate thinking about me, who takes my photo below, I feel that is very busy. I'm fine with him also to have sex but it is a different thing to me is fine as a form of affection, he slows down a bit, but I 'I let him decide and try to follow as I can, as I am, but the asymmetry and feel sorry because maybe you could deserve someone better than me. We have been together for more than two years but we can not live, I do not know if it would be better. I love him, do not betray you, I will feel bad I have done all the checks for HIV and it is all right but not only that why do not betray, but that is no one like him they deserve their own. In recent months I have seen so many guys who physically more than I like him but I think it would be better with them than with him, which eventually attract me from the point the sexual and just, while he's different. Certainly not an overwhelming love can feel it is something else, something important, very important for me, but it is another thing. "
The role of sexuality in these relationships is a function of collateral in the sense which guarantees the exclusivity of their loving relationship as a joint report also sexual. This exclusivity is grafted from one part of a relationship almost double expectations and other attempts to more bland, to safeguard their autonomy.
"There is a further problem, he works and I do not, in my opinion is beginning to make plans on the idea of \u200b\u200bbuying a small apartment. Did not mention it explicitly, but I understood some slightest hint that seeks opportunities in the magazines of real estate agencies. When we pass next to a real estate agent will stop and take a look first and did not. I think I do not speak because he is afraid that I may see it as a trap and a little 'is so not because I do not want to be with him but because we would like to be on an equal footing, I would be well in an apartment rent paid at 50%, but living in a home, with all expenses paid by him alone, makes me uneasy. I must be free to leave if by chance with him, I am not well and in that case I would feel bound to say that I could never tell my parents that I'm going to live with him. Honestly I think it might work because living together is not about sex but also of many other things, I do not give up easily, as I have not dropped in the past two years and maybe could go on for many years, but should be together because there is really good, and I now I'm good, and not by force or because I do not have a place where to live. "
In these situations, sexuality ends up acquiring a floor plan size recessive the need not to turn it into routine leads to scatter the occasion and make the sex drive in a form of mutual sexual affection can be more easily shared. These reports have an apparent weakness, but tend to grow stronger over time and become a source of substantially resistant even to situations that could undermine the beginning.
"about three months ago I met through my ex, a guy who is very nice and I really like, let's call him Paul. I can not deny that it has put me in a crisis and not a little. I think Paul is in love with me even though I have not expressed any enthusiasm. The first few times I did not discuss with my boyfriend, I was ashamed a lot, then I told him everything and there I understood the value of my boyfriend, we talked so much and so seriously, even though it was evident that there was no harm in any way tried to get me to weigh his presence and almost tried to put me at ease saying that I feel free because I will love it anyway. Frankly, I understood very well that he was ill and that he stay away from me was a heavy sacrifice, and there I realized how far he likes me. Meanwhile, Paul has just proven to me, I had the temptation but I would just like to give a stab to my boyfriend and I gave up the speeches of Paul. Frankly I had no regret even at the time, then I got back from my boyfriend and I told him I loved him. We made love and was a beautiful thing. Making love with a guy you really want something good is indescribable, is not even a question of sex, think above all to him, to let him know that you love him, to make them understand even through sex and feel that he is happy and then you feel happy too. "
A report like the one described in the email quoted above does not start from a push highly sexual but gradually comes to the conquest of a different affective sexuality, which has the appearance of uncertainty and the robustness of the things we understand from experience the real significance. It is basically to build gradually a sense of a relationship.
__________
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